Day 3: Tired of Thinking and Tired of Drinking

Status: sober

Mood: not bad

Physical Condition: still tired but not a zombie anymore. I tried to sleep (with a varying degrees of success) a lot over the last two days.

Workout: StrongLifts. I am not going to lie to you and say that I love working out before the daylight. It is hard getting up early morning and forcing myself to lift heavy weights. It is not something I ever thought I would be doing. But it gives me energy, and makes me feel good about myself.

Cravings: none

Thoughts about alcohol: I am so tired of thinking about drinking and not drinking. So I try not to think about it.

Thought of the day: happy to be back to blogging. Missed it so much!

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Day 2: Zombieland

Status: sober

Mood: sad

Physical Condition: exhausted

Workout: not now

Cravings: none

Thoughts about alcohol: see below

Thought of the day: I derailed, and I did not have anything to say. For a very long time. In august I also went on vacation and tried to moderate my drinking in the beginning. However we all know that for some of us moderation is a lie. An illusion. I stopped moderating on day three of my vacation. And just like that I was back to drinking.

Here I am again. And this is what I am going through right now:

  • I don’t enjoy the taste of wine anymore. I need to have at least two glasses before I stop cringing at wine.
  • I don’t have fun anymore when drinking. I get tired and cranky. And say things I regret later.
  • I don’t look forward to drinking. And yet… I drink. Such a bizarre dichotomy.
  • Hangovers last one day but physical recovery lasts about one week.
  • I barely sleep when I drink. I feel like a zombie.
  • I am very tired and sad and cranky and generally very unhappy. All the time.
  • My energy is at zero. Every. Single. Day. I have to really push myself to get up in the morning and get going.
  • On days when I don’t drink, my major nutrient is sugar. I get almost physical cravings for it.
  • Negative self-talk and blame and guilt are eating me up. It is getting worse by a day.

This is it for now. Moving on slowly, just like a zombie, to day 3.

Day 16: A Bitter Sobriety Post

Status: still fucking sober.

Mood: very very VERY cranky.

Physical Condition: okay. Felt a little sluggish on the weekend. But overall I was fine.

Workout: worked out twice so far but had to push myself really hard to even get on a bike. I think I am sort of depressed. Feeling deprived and miserable.

Cravings: I was absolutely and endlessly overwhelmed by cravings. I don’t know how I managed. It was a very rough ride.

Thoughts about alcohol: see below

Thought of the day: socializing sober in early days is fucking hard. Torturous. On Saturday night we were celebrating my friend’s birthday, and I was not having fun. At all. I was jealous, and angry and miserable. I tried and tried and fucking tried some more to focus my ever wondering thoughts on my friends and food and conversation. And I REALLY tried to enjoy it all. All in vain. I tried to avoid being pompous and disdainful and convince myself and everyone around me that I can have fun without a drink. Well… obviously I can’t. At least I am sober, and feeling fine and ready to face the work week. This counts as a big positive in sobriety. RIGHT?

But I also feel very envious. My friends and I re-assembled for Sunday brunch. I asked how they were feeling in hopes that everyone was hungover. In hopes, that I could gloat and be pompous and disdainful. And everyone said they were feeling fine, just a little tired. And they kept on drinking! SERIOUSLY? Poor me ended up having some overly sugary lemonade and stewing in my own misery.

What the fuck is wrong with me?! I am sober. But boy am I bitter!

Day 14: Two Weeks Sober!

I know what you are thinking, I do. Let me tell you that you are wrong this time. I am not drinking! Despite a lot of stress and pressure at work. Despite me missing wine a lot and thinking about drinking a lot. For some unknown reason I still believe that wine can take me to the moon and back. Despite this, I am not drinking.

Status: sober. I am sober for two weeks!!!

Mood: so… this one is not easy to describe. I was quite stressed. I was quite pissed. And boy did I feel angry. All of this has not much to do with me not drinking. Well… not drinking contributed a bit. The main reason this time was not booze but my new boss who suddenly turned into a complete ass.

Physical Condition: fine. Finally pulled myself out of this never-ending exhaustion cycle.

Workout: I work out at least 4 times a week! I am adding some light cardio to my lifting routine and I am loving it.

Cravings: I am not going to lie. I am going through a rough time. There are days when I am fine, and then… there are days when I wake up and all I can think is how much I want to drink and how much I am missing wine and how much I am screwed up.

Thoughts about alcohol: see above.

What I am drinking: gallons and barrels of ice tea. And coffee, of course. I am totally over-caffeinated. But sober!

I overindulged on desserts and sugary things of all kinds to the point of being nauseous. Well… THAT needs to stop.

What I am watching: Hart of Dixie Season 3 to take my mind off the booze and have some fun and mindless time. Highly recommended, by the way. The show even makes me laugh sometimes. Out loud.  I also watched Marcella Season 1. If you like some great mystery and a serial killer investigation, this one is for you. Netfilx is my best friend nowadays. I also saw Ghostbusters. It was great: funny, smart and very entertaining.

What I am reading: The Fireman by Joe Hill. Not a light read by all means but very engrossing.

What changed in my sober routine: I am starting to get my weekends back: coffee in the morning, reading magazines, relaxing. No headaches. No tiredness. No crankiness. It’s been pretty good. Monday mornings are quite bearable now.

Thought of the day: today is one of my friend’s birthday. I cannot avoid the occasion but I think I should be fine. I truly feel much stronger. Because now I know that even though wine starts off as a way to make my nights more interesting, it eventually becomes a way to make my life duller. I don’t want it anymore.

My goals for the next week: 1. blog more; 2. cut out sugar. seriously… cut out sugar.

Day 3: On Edge But Moving On

Status: sober

Mood: feeling on edge due to stress at work

Physical Condition: totally exhausted. I was hopped up on caffeine all day. Maybe caffeine overload was the reason I was feeling on edge and ready to scream.

Workout of the day: 3 mile walk

Cravings: I am battling a few cravings here and there. All of them are manageable.

Thoughts about alcohol: I don’t want to drink. Ever.

Thought of the day:  today was a long and busy and stressful day in the office. Not much to say except that I managed to get through today without yelling at people. I also pulled myself together and cancelled a social event that I was supposed to attend on Friday night. I KNOW I am not ready to socialized and be merry without drinking. I KNOW I will be tempted. I KNOW I am weak. It is much easier to stay home because I also KNOW that I WANT to be sober this weekend.

Day 2: Still Here. Still Struggling. Still Trying.

Status: sober

Mood: usual Monday’s blah

Physical Condition: Tired. I’ve been drinking on the weekend. Of course, I am tired.

Workout of the day: weight lifting. Since my last post here, I took a break from my regular weight lifting. I took a break from trying to eat healthy. I took a break from blogging. I took a break from a lot of things.

Cravings: none.

Thoughts about alcohol: none.

Thought of the day:  day 2 here… Nothing to say except I am still trying. Still struggling. Still not giving up. I am stumbling along this sobriety path with the firm conviction that I need to stop drinking. The word “need” has been the center of it all for a very long time. The word “need” rules my universe. I need to improve my sleep. I need to work on my health. I need to change my life. I need to be a better friend, a better wife, a better person. But even though there is definitely a need to stop drinking, there is also a big fat want. I WANT to stop drinking. I want it so bad and yet… I am not doing it seriously, it seems. I also know what I don’t want. I don’t want to mess this up anymore. I don’t want to waste any more of my efforts by having to go through it all again. Ever.

Day 4-5: Feeling Anti-Social

Status: sober

Mood: improving

Physical Condition: Tired. Mostly due to stress. Yesterday was a stressful day at work. It got the best of me. I was tossing and turning in my bed all night long. I was up before the alarm.

Workout of the day: weight lifting. Since I was stressed and anxious, I lifted like a mad woman. Felt great afterwords.

Cravings: yesterday was absolutely horrible. Stress is a huge trigger for me, so cravings hit me early. They hit me really hard and lasted all fucking day. And then some. I honestly don’t know how I managed to last through the night without a single sip. I really really REALLY wanted a drink. Let’s be completely honest and admit that I wanted to get drunk. But I managed. Today is day 5 and it is so SO much better.

Thoughts about alcohol: yesterday – galore. Today – none. It all comes and goes in waves.

Thought of the day: so… the big weekend is coming. If you are in the US, it is July 4th. Independence Day. What are you doing? What are you drinking? Are you going out or hosting a party? Me? Well… the truth is I’ve been feeling very anti-social for months. I wanted to stay home and drink. Weekend after weekend after weekend I drunk. Pretty pathetic really.

Now… I am thinking to come out of my hazy booze-fueled anti-social shell and participate. Socialize. Be a good friend and host a party. And pour drinks. And have fun. And eat deserts. I am going to watch people get drunk. And I am going to gloat. Silently. Because I am going to be the only one hangover free on Tuesday morning. That’s my plan. What about you?

Day 3: Undefined but Sober

Status: sober

Mood: undefined.

Physical Condition: more tired than yesterday. Still not sleeping well. But I am patient. I can wait.

Workout of the day: weight lifting. I am following this simple program called Stronglifts. It made me much stronger physically. Even with all the drinking  I managed to lose six pounds. One day I might even share my lifting stats. Just to brag.

Cravings: none!

Thoughts about alcohol: I am quite impressed with myself today. Not a single thought. I am pretty sure that alcohol does not hold any attraction or appeal to me today because I am very tired. I know that when I detox, recover and rest… cravings will be back.

Thought of the day: made it through day 3!

Day 2: Case of Monday Blues

Status: sober

Mood: crappy, as expected. You know… nowadays I hate weekends. For a good reason though. On the weekends I drink heavily, I don’t sleep well, don’t get any rest, run errands and get really really cranky. Time flies by, and Monday comes around. My first half of the work week is a drag. By Thursday I feel better.  Friday is awesome, and then the weekend comes. And I start all over again, and the drudgery of a new week begins.

Physical Condition: tired and sore. Tired due to not sleeping well. Again, as expected. After heavy drinking, it takes me a while, at least a few days, to get some sort of resemblance of normal sleeping pattern. Soreness is due to increased workout intensity. I gotta sweat those toxins out.

Workout of the day: none. Rest day.

Cravings: hmmm… Come and go. Come and go. Quite manageable though. But let’s not forget that it is only Monday.

Thoughts about alcohol: plenty, as usual. I keep catching myself thinking about my future without alcohol. How am I going to handle this upcoming weekend? It is the 4th of July and what am I going to do? Drink ice tea, Time. You are going to drink homemade ice tea. I have to forcefully remind myself not to think about what happens then but focus on now. Do you know that it is not that easy to focus on a present moment? My thoughts always seem to wonder off into the future, contemplating my life without booze.

Thought of the day: nothing profound to report.

Help Needed

I don’t know where to start.

I closed down my previous blog. I created this one. I kept the old name this time around. I always liked that name – Time and the Bottle. It says a lot about me and my journey. I am glad WordPress let me keep it. There is a slight change in the blog address. So if you decide to give me another chance and follow me, you have to follow me anew.

All right then… Where have I been all this time? I have been working. And working out (this makes me proud.) And drinking. And being very very unhappy with myself and with my inability to quit. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress also. I walked away from blogging because it was too much. I also thought that I can quit without the support and help from sober community. Of course, I was so so wrong.

It seems like I’ve written about this before.

I tried very hard to stop drinking, and I failed time after time after time. I cannot go to AA meetings because in my location I am bound to run into someone I know. I am mortified just thinking about it.

I ended up being alone with my struggles. It is very lonely out there. It was so much easier just to give in. And that was exactly what I did. I gave in. Gave up.

It is time to come back and admit that I cannot do it on my own.

I need help.